Lifeguard

 

I feel so alone. There are people, activities, and things all around me, and yet, my heart cries out, consumed with an emptiness that I can’t define or even begin to understand.

Why do I feel this way? Could it be that I am looking too far into the future? I know that there will come a time when those that I love will crumble to the dust, and I will be bereft of their company.  Or is it simply that they are not with me now, and I miss them terribly?

Is my current position of solitude a problem? Here I sit on a single tower, drinking in the freedom others enjoy and yet, is that what I really want? There is so much of me waiting, hoping that there is something more.

I start new relationships, pursue new passions, and dream new dreams, only to have them peter out and fall by the wayside. I return once again to where I am, empty and alone. Will it always be this way? Was there a time I looked forward to waking in the morning, eager to greet the new day, refreshed and ready to go forward? I don’t remember.

Life has simply been one more day, one more round of noise and confusion, one more time when my presence is needed. And yet my heart is left behind, lurking in the shadows…waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something, somewhere else that I can be.

I am in a constant state of anticipation. Like the paramedic on call, any moment the beeper will sound, and my heart will leap into action. I am poised, ready to help, ready to defend, and ready to move in an effort to save yet another person from drowning in the water before me.

Unfazed by the danger at hand, I throw myself into the brink, employing every muscle and sinew to reach them before it is too late. I surround them with the lifeline of my unconditional love, allow them to rely on my strength, and struggle with them as they make their way to the shore. We embrace, a moment of gratitude is shared, and they move on.

I watch them as they fade into the distance, marveling at the miracle that just occurred. There is nothing like being at the right place at the right time, for a life spared is a family saved from being dashed to pieces and left to wallow in misery. In that brief moment, my purpose is fulfilled. My loneliness is gone, and I am content.