"Do you have an invisible rope
around your children?" a woman said to me.
“Excuse me?” I replied.
She said that whenever she saw me,
my children were so well behaved that she thought I had an invisible rope
around them. I was surprised to hear this, as I had just struggled keeping them
in line as we watched a school band concert.
"I wish my children were that
well behaved," she mused. Apparently, in comparing herself to me, she had
found herself wanting, and thought less of herself. Her happiness and contentment
decreased automatically. This often happens when we look at others, and then
back at ourselves. Here are four reasons why:
- We compare weaknesses to strengths.
Comparison often leads to jealousy.
We want what we see others have. We see the things that they do well, or their
character strengths, and compare them to our weaknesses. The poem Desiderata says, “If you compare
yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself." The anecdote for comparison is acceptance
or finding things we have in common with others. Then we rejoice in each
other's strengths and see our mutual benefit.
- We criticize our own efforts.
Comparison leads to criticism. We
tear ourselves down for what we don't have or what we "should have"
done. We beat ourselves up for not being better, minimizing our own feelings of
worth. After we feel bad, we look for what is bad in others. Animosity and
enmity result. Our relationships become less than what they could be. In
contrast, when we see that others are doing well and rejoice in their
successes, we build feelings of friendship and camaraderie.
- We become prideful.
C. S. Lewis once said, “Pride gets
no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the
next man.” Comparing ourselves to others makes us start to think that we are
better, smarter, or more worthwhile than them, and we look down on
them. The opposite is also true. When we have what we perceive is less
than others, we become envious of them and place barriers between us. Humility
is the opposite of pride. When we are humble, we learn from others rather than
comparing ourselves to them.
- We end up competing with others.
Comparison leads to competition. We
want to do better and be better to show ourselves ahead of others. The constant
competition grates on our relationships and rather than talking about things
that uplift and strengthen each other, we boast and brag about what we have and
what we have accomplished.
Comparison is the thief of happiness. It places our hearts upon the things of this world. In the end, however, we discover that accumulation of things does not equal happiness. Happiness comes in rejoicing in the good. The best thing we can do is forget what we and others have and use our time loving ourselves and others.
