Caught Between Work and Family

 

Finding a balance between work and family is a challenge, no matter what our current marital status. Whether a two-income household, a traditional family with only one paycheck, or a single parent, struggling to make ends meet, there are times when we have to make some difficult choices. How do we go about it in such a way that we don't sacrifice the wrong thing? Is it possible to be and do everything when it comes to work and family? How do we resolve the conflict we feel over this issue?

We work long hours on the job and then turn around and work long hours at home. In our state of exhaustion and stress, our emotional health ends up in the basement. We get overwhelmed, criticize ourselves for our weaknesses and imperfections, and before we know it, the conflict between us and other family members escalates.

Being a parent and working full time is like have two full time jobs, but we can't just stop going to work and spend all our time taking care of our family! We need an income to provide for their needs. Yet, it seems that the demands of running a household are never ending!

Just like the dirty laundry that accumulates, the stress of running a family can be overwhelming. The harder we work, the more exhausted we get. There is so much that needs to be done, and there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.

If we stop and think about it, any business requires a system to run smoothly. Our homes are no different. Without a management system, we are living from crisis to crisis. The longer we wait, the worse it gets. Now is the time to take action. We can get a handle on it when we use the following steps:

1) Pile - Categorize, Sort

Laundry and dishes multiply if we don't deal with them on a daily basis. Stress is no different. Before we can put a batch of clothes in the washer, we divide them by color and weight. Putting our red sweatshirt in with the white underclothes has dire results!

Getting a handle on our stress starts by making a list of all our roles and responsibilities. What is it that we are doing? When does it happen? Where does it happen? Why are we doing it? As we make a list, we grow in our understanding of how things have gotten out of hand. We are able to pinpoint problem areas where conflict is occurring. 

Allowing the issues of one role in our lives to spill over into others wreaks havoc with family life. Yes, there will be crisis situations where this happens in spite of our best efforts, but these are the exception rather than the rule.

 2) Prioritize - Determine what is most important

Looking at our various roles and responsibilities in black and white helps us to see what we need to accomplish ourselves, and what we can delegate to others. Many times, we see ourselves as a one man or one woman show when it comes to our family responsibilities, thinking that is the way it is "supposed" to be.

Unfortunately, we don't often discuss these expectations with our spouse. We simply plow forward thinking that we know what has to be done. Then when conflict arises and we get over stressed, we make assumptions and blame others that things are not going well.

Stopping regularly to take inventory gives us a chance to determine what is most important, set our priorities, discuss things we can do differently, and make minor course corrections before major catastrophes require them.

Just like sorting through the laundry gives us a chance to spot check the clothes for stains, take things out of the pockets, and put like colors or weights together, sorting through the roles we play and the responsibilities associated with them gives us a chance to combine, cull out the unnecessary, and adjust our daily actions to better fit our priorities.

3) Prepare - Put routines and schedules into place

There are certain things that happen in the family on a regular basis. Like clock-work, they come and go daily. We eat, we sleep, we bathe, we get dressed, and we go to our various places. The routines and schedules we put into place are the means by which daily activities happen and our family's needs are met.

When there is no food on the table and people are hungry, they get impatient and frustrated. Conflict increases, feelings are hurt, and the delicate balance of trust within the family is damaged. The time we take to communicate with one another about who will do what and when is less time we spend later getting upset with one another.

Teaching children to do basic household tasks allows us to instill vital life skills in their portfolio of development, as well as freeing our time for other things. It is much to our advantage when children are young to have them helping at home rather than spending our time taking them to lessons and activities outside the home and then expecting to do all of the work ourselves.

4) Prevent - Keep unwanted influences at a minimum

While we teach our children household responsibilities, we also teach the values of love, respect, honesty, and integrity. Children only learn what they experience when they are with us. The time we spend together is less time that they are involved with outside influences that take them away from values we hold dear.

As parents, we set boundaries on the activities we and our family members are involved in, and the people with whom we associate. Our influence is paramount in how our children end up as adults, and we cannot be too careful in this endeavor. Children under the age of 18 thrive under positive parental involvement and the environment in which they reside has a direct bearing on what they become.

Allowing children to do as they please, without thought of the consequences, is a sure ticket to open rebellion, involvement with less than desirable characters, and the use of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Active parental involvement and instruction is the only available deterrent to these social ills.

5) Protect - Build a house of trust

Having a system for the solving of problems within the family provides protection. We build a house of trust around family members, letting them know that we will always be there and they can turn to us for help.

It takes a great deal of commitment and courage to keep the family together through all of the bumps and bruises that come with life. Spending time in spiritual development, the teaching of life skills, and the sharing of love and unity help the family to feel a sense of belonging and protection within the home.

Conflict resolution does not happen overnight, in our marriages or with our children. It is something we work at continually. Couples enter a marriage from different backgrounds blending cultural, religious, educational, economic, and social practices. Conflict will happen. How we deal with it determines the quality of our home life and the trust our family members have in us.

On the surface, we think that it is our work schedules that encroach upon our family life, and we wish we could find a balance between the two, but in reality, no matter our situation, conflict will be present.

There will be times when we have to sacrifice our personal wants and desires for the good of our families. The system we put into place within our family to resolve conflict allows us the opportunity to look at our long range goal of raising children who become contributing members of society.

The time we spend teaching and involving them in household responsibilities pays great dividends in preparation for their future. It will not be long before children are grown and gone, and the time with them at home will be only a distant memory.

When that time comes, they will look back at us and say, "Thank you, Mom," or "Thank you, Dad, for giving me the foundation I needed while I was in your care. Then, we will know that it has been worth it. Take the time with your family today, for your emotional health!

Ten Ways to Help Others When Tragedy Strikes

 

News flash:

“Shooter enters shopping mall and opens fire. Thirty-seven dead, many others wounded.”

“Entire family killed in head-on collision. Accident caused by intoxicated driver. He survives.”

“Woman found dead in apartment. Investigation reveals cause as suicide.”

“Hurricane wipes out entire village. Hundreds left homeless.”

With mass shootings reported in the media regularly, the chances that someone we love will be torn by tragedy increases daily. Add to it the deaths by suicide, drunk driving, airplane crashes, and natural disasters, and the odds increase dramatically.

What will we do when we receive that phone call, text, or knock on the door telling us that someone we love is no longer with us? How will we respond when one of our own is hurting? In the midst of our shock, disbelief and horror, we know we need to act, but how? The acronym COMPASSION gives us 10 ways we can be of assistance:

C – Come now!

When tragedy strikes someone we love, our immediate response is crucial. Our presence is a calming influence. We provide a sense of stability while the rest of the world is crashing down around them.

O – Open your mouth

Simplicity is the key to our words, since they will make our break our relationship with those that are hurting. There are three basic messages we want to give:

1. We love you.
2. We care about what is happening to you.
3. We will help you through this difficulty.

M – Monitor daily activities

During a tragedy, daily routines are interrupted. The focus on personal health and well-being is lost in lieu of the logistics surrounding the present circumstances. Our job is to make sure that our loved ones have nutritious meals, plenty of rest, and remember necessary medical protocol. 

P – Pray for all involved in the tragedy

Praying for our loved ones helps them feel peace in the midst of the storm. Our prayers in their presence bear testimony that we know God will be there for them. It also gives them the reminder that they can pray on their own for needed comfort, peace, and guidance.

A – Ask the hard questions

Sometimes it is necessary to ask difficult questions. Tragedy leaves families in a state of shock. We may think of something that needs to be done that may have been overlooked. Asking about the issue brings it to their attention, and gives us the opportunity to help resolve the issue with them.

S – Smile

Tragedy takes away our reasons to smile. Making the effort to put both corners of the mouth upward at the right moment lightens the atmosphere and gives us permission to find humor in a difficult situation. Laughter releases valuable feel good hormones in our brains, a sorely needed momentary benefit.

S – Share positive memories

When the family is ready to talk about their loved one’s past, we can help them bring back positive memories by sharing photos and reminiscing. Allowing ourselves this respite from the past gives us a better perspective in the present. 

I – Ignore little offences

Be careful not to take offence if things are said or done that grate on the nerves. When tragedy is raw, people sometimes do not think before they speak. Decisions are made that just don’t make sense. Toes get stepped on and feelings are hurt. Don’t dwell on it. Let it go.

O – Offer options to explore

Adjustments must be made in order for life to go on after a tragedy. Allow people to explore and offer possibilities to consider. At first, when anger and frustration are high, options may seem extreme. This is normal. As things settle down, more reasonable thinking returns.

N – Never give up

The grieving process takes time. Everyone goes about it in their own way. Our grief may take a different course than that of those we love. That is okay. Continuing to help them work through it helps us to work through our own.

Compassion is simply emotional first aid. When we keep in mind that love is constant, we help those we care about in ways that bring relief to their suffering and peace to our own souls. After all, that is what the life of our Savior was all about!

Weeds

 

Thorns, thistles, crab grass, and oh, yes, creeping Jenny, or morning glory. Let’s see, what other names can I find for it, that weed that winds around the other plants and chokes them to death before it can even be seen!

There it is, sticking its tendrils up above the caragana. They call it the “hedge bindweed.” That’s just what it does! It binds the plants so they can’t grow right. If I follow it down to the roots, maybe I can get rid of it. Oh, no! There is another one, and another! Will I ever get rid of this insidious predator?!

What, it has flowers? You mean something so unsightly and annoying has a redeeming quality? How can it be? The article I read says that I must be vigilant if I want to get rid of this plague. Ok. I will check the hedge each time I water the garden. Let’s see, that will be every other day, all summer long!

If I add that to everything else I am doing, the washing, the cleaning, the visiting, the taking care of the sick and infirm, the supporting of my spouse and children in their endeavors, and last, but certainly not least, taking care of my own needs. The list keeps getting longer and longer!

Oh, Lord, help me! I can’t do this alone! It is too hard! It takes too long! There is too much to do! I am overwhelmed at the very thought of it! I will never be able to have the strength to do all that needs to be done!

Oh, my precious child, you were never meant to do it alone. I am here. I will always be with you! My angels will be round about you to bear you up. They will go before you to prepare the way. They will be by your side watching over you and aiding your every step. They will come after you to soften the blows of your learning processes.

Lean on me. Learn of me. Love me! For I love you! I always have and I always will! You are never alone!

Money is not for Spending

 

“Money is not for spending” the headline screamed. Intrigued by the seeming misnomer, I dove into the article. Financial management skills had never been one of my strengths, and I was eager to learn. By the time I reached the end of the article, I had a firm understanding of this principle.

Where does money come from?

Money is a natural resource, just water and land. It is already a part of the earth. We obtain money by tapping into the economic cycle that already exists. It has three key components:

·         Obtaining raw materials and turning them into products

·         The sale and distribution of products to consumers

·         Providing consumer services

What do we do with our money?

Once we obtain money, our financial management skills provide us with a blue-print for its use.  This is done through the following step-by-step process:

1.       Put the money in a safe place

We put our money in a financial institution that provides banking services, including (but not limited to) checking, savings, money market, debit cards, credit cards, and bill paying services, along with protection of our assets.

2.       Give a percentage to charity

Giving back to society through charitable donations creates an attitude of gratitude. When we give, we are more likely to care about those who are in less desirable circumstances. Setting aside a certain amount each month for giving puts us in a position to be an asset rather than a liability.

3.       Set aside a suitable amount for future needs

Creating a nest egg of funds allows us to make major purchases without incurring debt. We use these funds for such things as appliances, home repairs, school tuition, and vehicles. The more we set aside, the sooner we are ready for the unexpected.

4.       Take care of essential expenses

Pay the “bills” first. Expenses for such things as a place to live, electricity, running water, and transportation usually come in the form of monthly statements. Paying these expenses on-time increases our credit rating and gives us financial security.

5.       Budget wants carefully

The remainder of our money is allocated for food, clothing, communication, entertainment, and other personal and family desires. Keeping these expenses within reasonable limits allows us to have discretionary funds for the things that we really want.

How do we control spending?

Our financial management skills are tested regularly when we enter the market place. Advertisers know that spending money is an emotional experience, and they do everything they can to get us to make the decision to open our wallets.

If we decide ahead of time what we will purchase, how much we will spend, and when we will walk away, we can get out of the store and back home with money still in our pockets. Remember, there is always a sale, and if we don’t find what we are looking for today, chances are, we will find it later.

The important lesson that I learned from the article was that money is not for spending! Money is a resource at our disposal. Our efforts to conserve it will bring great dividends. When properly managed, money is an asset that will take us into a productive and promising future!

Pain

 

Like fingers of fire shooting through my veins, the pain comes around again and again. How can I make it through this day when the pain I feel never goes away? How can I rest when the night comes around when my heart cries out and my agony abounds?

Like a hammer pounding upon my bones, the throbbing pain makes me writhe and groan. I shift my position or change my chair hoping the pain just won’t be there, but no matter what I seem to do, it follows me the whole day through!

Like a vice grip squeezing around my head, the pain and the pressure fill me with dread. I wish that the world would just go away, then I wouldn’t have to endure today. Dear Lord, please help me, I cannot go on! Take this pain away! Oh, Thy will be done!

Then to my mind’s eye there comes anew Christ carrying His cross with Calvary in view. They laid him down on the beams that day to end his mortal tabernacle of clay. Oh, how can I witness this awful scene? Please spare me, Lord, wipe the slate clean!

They spread out his hands and they pierced them there. The fingers of fire, Him did not spare. They nailed his feet to the cross and again, the throbbing pain through his bones did send. The crown of thorns slammed upon his brow, a vice grip the pain must have been, and how!

My heart cries out and the teardrops fall. He died for me! For one and for all! He knows how I feel, the tears that I’ve cried, the long lonely nights and the things that I’ve tried! And still He says, “Come, follow me, I will take you there, then set you free.”

Forgive me, Lord, for my complaints this day. You have suffered much more than I can ever say! I thank Thee for giving Thy life for me. I can go on now. Yes, I have strength, I see. The pain that I feel for a moment is gone, because of the war you have fought and won!

Five Steps for Mending a Broken Relationship

 

Communication is the stuff of which relationships are made. We send messages back and forth for the relaying of information, sharing of feelings, and working through difficulties. These messages are sent and received through words, looks, facial expressions, body language, and the tone of our voice.

When communication ceases, we consider our relationship to be “broken.” Perhaps we said or did something that offended the other party, or an event occurred that lead them to believe that our relationship was no longer desirable. The resulting “silent treatment” breeds misunderstanding and distrust.

The problem only escalates when we make assumptions about what the other party is thinking and feeling based on their body language and the current circumstances. In order to bridge the communication gap that has occurred and mend our broken relationship, we need patience and understanding. The following five steps give us a pattern to follow:

Step One: Express Concern

We express concern by approaching the other person in a spirit of reconciliation. We engage in eye contact, and get in close proximity, then let them know that we notice that something is amiss in the relationship, but we aren’t sure what. We value them as a person, and miss the interaction previously enjoyed. We are willing to do what is necessary to re-establish communication.

Step Two: Listen Without Judgment

When we let others know that we care for them, we are opening the door for them to share their deepest feelings with us. Since we don’t know what has caused the rift, we must prepare ourselves for the worst. The silence was like a dam holding back some strong negative feelings. Our ability to listen without passing judgement enables them to tell their story. We show them that we care by listening to what they have to say without stepping in to fix the problem. 

Step Three: Reflect Back to Indicate Understanding.

Like a mirror, we reflect back the feelings or summarize the experience that they have just shared with us. As we do so, we validate them as a person, and let them know that it is okay for them to feel this way. They realize that we understand what they are saying and feeling and accept them as an individual. Our validation gives them additional feelings of self-worth. We let them know that they are important to us and that what is happening in their lives is worth taking the time to know and understand. We deepen our relationship by being trustworthy.

Step Four: Support Them While They Work Through the Problem

Once we have listened to their story, it is our job to provide support while they come up with a plan of action. We do this be continuing to reflect back what they are saying. Allowing them to process through the difficulty and come up with a proposed plan of action giving them a positive resolution to the experience. The worst thing we can do at this point is to tell them what they should do. That would close the communication door very quickly and put us at odds in our relationship again. They need to figure things out on their own and come up with a solution. Our job is to simply provide strength and support.

Step Five: Leave the Door Open for Future Contact

Once they have come up with a plan of action, we can help them to be accountable for it by encouraging them to call and let us know what happens or saying that we will see them in a particular day or time. We may even want to provide some sort of incentive for them to complete the plan by offering to take them out to dinner or doing something desirable together when they have finished the project.

Each time we open the door of communication that someone else has closed, we are being proactive in strengthening our relationship and giving others a reason to call us a friend. The time we take to provide this type of emotional first aid will be a boon to us when we are need of someone to talk with about the issues we are having in our lives!

Ten Ways to Help Anxious Children

 

Children often do not know why they are anxious; they just know that they are experiencing discomfort. We may notice what is happening before they are able to express their feelings verbally. The following actions give us a clue:

• What if questions
• Repetitive preparations
• Needing objects for security, either to hold or hide behind
• Stuttering or mumbling
• Dropping things, tripping, or falling
• Looking down to avoid eye contact, or looking elsewhere, as if wary of danger
• Shoulders slumped forward

Anxious feelings are based on doubt and fear. When we are filled with fear, our body systems try to protect our delicate organs. Our extremities become cold. We are drained of energy, and we move differently than when we are strong and confident.

As adults, we have a profound effect on the children in our world. When they are anxious, there are many things we can do to help calm their minds and hearts. The following are ten of them:

1. Get down on the child's level. Our proximity alone provides the child with a sense of importance. When we are close to them and look them in the eye, we let them know that whatever is troubling them is important to us.
2. Talk softly and slowly. The tone of our voice, its cadence and rhythm will either escalate the child’s anxiety or provide a calming influence. Talking softly allows us to be on more intimate terms with the child. Speaking slowly soothes jittery nerves and slows the heart rate.
3. Listen actively. Once we are close and personal with the child, they will feel comfortable sharing their innermost feelings. We nod and comment to let the child know we are hearing what is being said. Our undivided attention encourages open dialogue and allows the ready sharing of thoughts and feelings.
4. Reflect what is being said. Reflecting back to the child what we hear they are saying or feeling gives them words to identify fears and verbalize discomfort. We add understanding to the situation and help the child work through it more effectively.
5. Give physical affection, if and when appropriate. Our soft touch will provide feelings of comfort and help them to relax. Note that this is only appropriate if we have a relationship of trust with the child and are a close relative or friend.
6. Provide reassurance. Words that provide reassurance include but are not limited to the following phrases: “Things will be all right,” “I am sure that you will find out soon,” “It’s okay to be afraid,” and “You are important to me. I will stay with you while we work this out.”
7. Breathe deeply together. Deep breathing allows the body to relax and alleviates anxious feelings. When we breathe deeply with the child, we are teaching them a calming technique and giving them a pattern to follow when they are alone.
8. Pray together. Prayer activates our faith and dispels doubt and fear. Praying with an anxious child gives them the confidence to approach God on their own when they are having difficulty.
9. Make preparations for future events. Preparing provides concrete action that calms anxious feelings. It gives us something to do while we are waiting for an event to happen, especially when we do not know what the outcome will be.
10. Check in with the child after the event. Our presence after a difficult event gives the child a chance to process what happened and transfer positive memories for long term storage and later retrieval. When we let them know that they continue to be important to us we increase their feelings of confidence and worth.

These ten ways not only calm an anxious child, but they give the most important gift that we as adults have to give, our unconditional love. Like a gentle spring rain, we provide life giving nourishment that has a profound effect on the children in our world. We know that we have succeeded when we see them providing the same service to their peers!