Five Steps for Mending a Broken Relationship

 

Communication is the stuff of which relationships are made. We send messages back and forth for the relaying of information, sharing of feelings, and working through difficulties. These messages are sent and received through words, looks, facial expressions, body language, and the tone of our voice.

When communication ceases, we consider our relationship to be “broken.” Perhaps we said or did something that offended the other party, or an event occurred that lead them to believe that our relationship was no longer desirable. The resulting “silent treatment” breeds misunderstanding and distrust.

The problem only escalates when we make assumptions about what the other party is thinking and feeling based on their body language and the current circumstances. In order to bridge the communication gap that has occurred and mend our broken relationship, we need patience and understanding. The following five steps give us a pattern to follow:

Step One: Express Concern

We express concern by approaching the other person in a spirit of reconciliation. We engage in eye contact, and get in close proximity, then let them know that we notice that something is amiss in the relationship, but we aren’t sure what. We value them as a person, and miss the interaction previously enjoyed. We are willing to do what is necessary to re-establish communication.

Step Two: Listen Without Judgment

When we let others know that we care for them, we are opening the door for them to share their deepest feelings with us. Since we don’t know what has caused the rift, we must prepare ourselves for the worst. The silence was like a dam holding back some strong negative feelings. Our ability to listen without passing judgement enables them to tell their story. We show them that we care by listening to what they have to say without stepping in to fix the problem. 

Step Three: Reflect Back to Indicate Understanding.

Like a mirror, we reflect back the feelings or summarize the experience that they have just shared with us. As we do so, we validate them as a person, and let them know that it is okay for them to feel this way. They realize that we understand what they are saying and feeling and accept them as an individual. Our validation gives them additional feelings of self-worth. We let them know that they are important to us and that what is happening in their lives is worth taking the time to know and understand. We deepen our relationship by being trustworthy.

Step Four: Support Them While They Work Through the Problem

Once we have listened to their story, it is our job to provide support while they come up with a plan of action. We do this be continuing to reflect back what they are saying. Allowing them to process through the difficulty and come up with a proposed plan of action giving them a positive resolution to the experience. The worst thing we can do at this point is to tell them what they should do. That would close the communication door very quickly and put us at odds in our relationship again. They need to figure things out on their own and come up with a solution. Our job is to simply provide strength and support.

Step Five: Leave the Door Open for Future Contact

Once they have come up with a plan of action, we can help them to be accountable for it by encouraging them to call and let us know what happens or saying that we will see them in a particular day or time. We may even want to provide some sort of incentive for them to complete the plan by offering to take them out to dinner or doing something desirable together when they have finished the project.

Each time we open the door of communication that someone else has closed, we are being proactive in strengthening our relationship and giving others a reason to call us a friend. The time we take to provide this type of emotional first aid will be a boon to us when we are need of someone to talk with about the issues we are having in our lives!

Ten Ways to Help Anxious Children

 

Children often do not know why they are anxious; they just know that they are experiencing discomfort. We may notice what is happening before they are able to express their feelings verbally. The following actions give us a clue:

• What if questions
• Repetitive preparations
• Needing objects for security, either to hold or hide behind
• Stuttering or mumbling
• Dropping things, tripping, or falling
• Looking down to avoid eye contact, or looking elsewhere, as if wary of danger
• Shoulders slumped forward

Anxious feelings are based on doubt and fear. When we are filled with fear, our body systems try to protect our delicate organs. Our extremities become cold. We are drained of energy, and we move differently than when we are strong and confident.

As adults, we have a profound effect on the children in our world. When they are anxious, there are many things we can do to help calm their minds and hearts. The following are ten of them:

1. Get down on the child's level. Our proximity alone provides the child with a sense of importance. When we are close to them and look them in the eye, we let them know that whatever is troubling them is important to us.
2. Talk softly and slowly. The tone of our voice, its cadence and rhythm will either escalate the child’s anxiety or provide a calming influence. Talking softly allows us to be on more intimate terms with the child. Speaking slowly soothes jittery nerves and slows the heart rate.
3. Listen actively. Once we are close and personal with the child, they will feel comfortable sharing their innermost feelings. We nod and comment to let the child know we are hearing what is being said. Our undivided attention encourages open dialogue and allows the ready sharing of thoughts and feelings.
4. Reflect what is being said. Reflecting back to the child what we hear they are saying or feeling gives them words to identify fears and verbalize discomfort. We add understanding to the situation and help the child work through it more effectively.
5. Give physical affection, if and when appropriate. Our soft touch will provide feelings of comfort and help them to relax. Note that this is only appropriate if we have a relationship of trust with the child and are a close relative or friend.
6. Provide reassurance. Words that provide reassurance include but are not limited to the following phrases: “Things will be all right,” “I am sure that you will find out soon,” “It’s okay to be afraid,” and “You are important to me. I will stay with you while we work this out.”
7. Breathe deeply together. Deep breathing allows the body to relax and alleviates anxious feelings. When we breathe deeply with the child, we are teaching them a calming technique and giving them a pattern to follow when they are alone.
8. Pray together. Prayer activates our faith and dispels doubt and fear. Praying with an anxious child gives them the confidence to approach God on their own when they are having difficulty.
9. Make preparations for future events. Preparing provides concrete action that calms anxious feelings. It gives us something to do while we are waiting for an event to happen, especially when we do not know what the outcome will be.
10. Check in with the child after the event. Our presence after a difficult event gives the child a chance to process what happened and transfer positive memories for long term storage and later retrieval. When we let them know that they continue to be important to us we increase their feelings of confidence and worth.

These ten ways not only calm an anxious child, but they give the most important gift that we as adults have to give, our unconditional love. Like a gentle spring rain, we provide life giving nourishment that has a profound effect on the children in our world. We know that we have succeeded when we see them providing the same service to their peers!

No is Not a Four-Letter Word

 

“No” is not a four-letter word. Now really, that sounds a bit absurd to think that when we say “no” we swear and use God’s name in vain or don’t care. Rather “No” is a way to protect our own worth that we were born with here on this earth. It is a way to keep others from taking advantage of us or throwing us under a passing bus.

We say “No” when others try to step on our toes, or we don’t like the way a situation goes. If our calendar is full and a request is made, “No” keeps us from thinking we must make a grade and saying “Yes” just to please another when we really don’t have the time to muster. “No” is simply the easiest way to keep that hounding temptation at bay.

“No” helps us stay pure and clean and white while others are having to suffer from blight that came into being when they said “Yes” instead of holding up under duress. It’s the easiest way to arrive home on time to family and friends, and clocks that chime, with all your money still in your hand, you see, rather than spending it on a shopping spree.

We all know, however, there will come a time, when we cannot say “No,” as we will be in that line that enters the great towering clouds above, and we will be surrounded by those arms of love. Then we will look through tears of joy and know that we said it enough when we were down here below. We kept ourselves free from temptation and snare, and now we are ready to happily share!

Comparison

 

"Do you have an invisible rope around your children?" a woman said to me.

“Excuse me?” I replied.

She said that whenever she saw me, my children were so well behaved that she thought I had an invisible rope around them. I was surprised to hear this, as I had just struggled keeping them in line as we watched a school band concert.

"I wish my children were that well behaved," she mused. Apparently, in comparing herself to me, she had found herself wanting, and thought less of herself. Her happiness and contentment decreased automatically. This often happens when we look at others, and then back at ourselves. Here are four reasons why:

1. We compare weaknesses to strengths.

Comparison often leads to jealousy. We want what we see others have. We see the things that they do well, or their character strengths, and compare them to our weaknesses. The poem Desiderata says, “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." The anecdote for comparison is acceptance or finding things we have in common with others. Then we rejoice in each other's strengths and see our mutual benefit.

2. We criticize our own efforts.

Comparison leads to criticism. We tear ourselves down for what we don't have or what we "should have" done. We beat ourselves up for not being better, minimizing our own feelings of worth. After we feel bad, we look for what is bad in others. Animosity and enmity result. Our relationships become less than what they could be. In contrast, when we see that others are doing well and rejoice in their successes, we build feelings of friendship and camaraderie.

3. We become prideful.

C. S. Lewis once said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man.” Comparing ourselves to others makes us start to think that we are better, smarter, or more worthwhile than them, and we look down on them. The opposite is also true. When we have what we perceive is less than others, we become envious of them and place barriers between us. Humility is the opposite of pride. When we are humble, we learn from others rather than comparing ourselves to them.

4. We end up competing with others.

Comparison leads to competition. We want to do better and be better to show ourselves ahead of others. The constant competition grates on our relationships and rather than talking about things that uplift and strengthen each other, we boast and brag about what we have and what we have accomplished.

Comparison is the thief of happiness. It places our hearts upon the things of this world. In the end, however, we discover that accumulation of things does not equal happiness. Happiness comes in rejoicing in the good. The best thing we can do is forget what we and others have and use our time loving ourselves and others.

Posterity

 

Once again, I see your face, a gentle reminder of God’s good grace. I take your hand and hold it close, then look in your eyes, I see the most reveling part of my own heart, as if it has been opened wide and for a moment, I see inside. A part of me has become its own, growing and changing, like a seed that was sewn.

For years, I watered and fed it with care, the daily deeds, the work that was there, the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the hurt and the pain, the smiles and frowns. The life that we lived, forever a part, the time that we ran and jumped and played, the late nights where we wept and prayed, the days when we laughed and rejoiced in the sun, the moments we tumbled around and had fun.

Now I see the seed grown so straight and tall, with branches spread wide, holding one and all. The shade provided to all around has come full circle, back to my own ground. Who would have known back when we did start that one day new life would come back to me and give me eyes with which I could see the small hands and feet, a spirit now given, a part of me has been blessed from heaven.

Tears of joy fill my eyes and fall down as I hold my posterity in any size of gown, the weddings, the blessings, the graduations, the race, the moments that are laced with heavenly grace, the daily tasks, the shopping, the cart, the times we were afraid, the night of darkness and fear when we didn’t know how long we would hold them near. For as our posterity grow and move on, our eyes grow dim, and we prepare to sing a new song!

Forgive Yourself

 

Forgive yourself. You can, you know. The pain is not worth the scars that grow building walls of hate around your heart that keep you separate, from being a part of the love that God sheds abroad on mankind for all who would see it without being blind.

Forgive yourself. It is balm for the soul. It helps you heal so that you can be whole. It gives you a sense of worth to yourself, and keeps you from being left on the shelf to wither and die of loneliness there, a burden no being need ever bear.

Forgive yourself. You deserve a break, for life is not just made out of fate. There are choices we make in and around. We all make mistakes, but we can rebound. There will always be lessons that we can learn, there is always another dollar to earn.

Forgive yourself. Let yourself live! There is plenty of time for you to give. It isn’t necessary to put yourself out to the point that you want to grumble and shout. Let yourself breathe, take some time to relax, you needn’t be burdened and overtaxed!

Forgive yourself for that’s what Christ would do, if He were here and in your shoe. Accept the gift that He gave on the cross, the price that He paid so that none would be lost. Embrace Him now, feel of His love, and let the sun shine, a gift from above!

Trust

 

The girl pointed her finger at me, her brows knit together in scorn, then to the “Angry” icon on her assistive technology device. Though she spoke no words, I could feel the distrust emanating from her. I was there in the place of her regular teacher, and she did not know why.

I voiced the words that she could not, saying to the paraprofessional that was helping her, “Her teacher is not here, and she does not know me.” The woman’s eyebrows raised, and she said to the girl, “You are sad because your teacher is not here.” The girl stopped pointing at me, found the “Sad” icon, and was able to move on.

Later, as we sat together and watched a video book presentation, the girl reached her hand over to mine and held it softly. I put mine on top of hers, and together we watched in silence. There was no need for words to express the poignant feelings shared. I could tell. She trusted me!

I had prayed that morning that my first day on the job substitute teaching would be a successful one, that I would feel God’s love for the students, and that I could share his love with them. It had happened in a way I never thought possible.

At the end of the class period, the girl gave me a hug, and we walked hand in hand to the door. Still, no words were spoken, but I knew that I was in the right place at the right time. My purpose had been fulfilled in that small moment.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” This was my theme song when I left the mental health unit years ago. Now, it has become my lifeline.

When I decided to leave my employment as an office manager, I felt that God was directing me to go and serve his children as a substitute teacher in the public school system. At first, I was frightened. So many things had happened in my past that had taken me from that realm of the world.

Now, here I am, stepping back into it, having the very experiences that called me in that direction in the first place. Surely, a way will be provided, and I can go forward with faith, trusting that all will be well!