Anticipating Grief

I can’t believe this is happening! Our hearts are still numb with the pain! One day we were laughing and joking together and now, we are ready to tear each other apart! How the choices of one can affect so many!

If only he would see what he is doing to the rest of us! How it hurts, to think of him being gone as well! Can we go on living, knowing that those we have loved and cared for are no longer here to share life’s most precious moments?

Can life be so cruel as to snatch another out from under us? Where is the fairness of a just God that would allow such an act! How can He be merciful and kind, when all around is pain, separation, and loss? Where is the promised balm of healing?

Surely there is a way, something we can do to prevent this. There must be, we just have to seek until we find it. Death cannot be the only way. We have to ask. Dear God, what can we do to keep him here just a little bit longer? We want to see him, to feel his love, to have his warmth and tenderness bless our lives.

What? Selfish? How can desiring love and acceptance be selfish? Oh, to have him stay in his condition would be selfish. It would meet our needs, but not his. Oh. He has finished his work here on this earth, and now it is time for him to return to Thee. How could I forget, it is not my will, but Thine, that is done.

Please forgive our shortsightedness! Please help us help him to be comfortable, to feel loved, and to be prepared to meet Thee. He is Thy child, waiting and ready to see Thee again. He is our friend, our mentor, our loved one. Oh, how we shall miss him!

Take him, Father, if it is Thy will that he go, take him. Don’t let him suffer needlessly. Take him and comfort him and be with him. We don’t want to see him suffer. What? We must? It is necessary for us to experience pain and suffering? How can that be just?!

I don’t understand. I am confused and frustrated. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, to scream or shout. I just know that my heart is being wrenched and torn! I want these feelings to go away! They are so difficult to experience! Please speak peace to my mind and heart!

Rest. Yes, that is what I need. I am weary. The work is not done, I know. I will try again tomorrow. It will be a new day. Perhaps, then, my mind will know what to think, and my heart will know how to feel.

©2014 by Denise W. Anderson, all right reserved.

The Magic of Gratitude

Graphics courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

The minutes turned into hours as I rolled over one more time and glared at the empty space in the bed beside me. Surely, he would be back by now. But then, again, perhaps something happened. I threw on some clothes, fired up the engine, and ventured forth into the darkness.

Which way would he have gone? If I go one way and he comes home another, I won’t find him. But then, again, perhaps I will find him, somewhere in a gutter, unconscious and bleeding. I just need to go, and pray that I will find him before it is too late!

The road seemed haunted as I started with every movement, every insignificant sign that there might be life somewhere in the darkness. The wind blew. The mice skittered across the road from one field to another. The night wore on, but there was still no sign of his vehicle anywhere.

Its three a.m. and I am back home, wondering, waiting, and worrying. Should I call the police? They will ask me if I tried to call. It’s been hours, but I will try again. Surely someone will hear my pleas and answer! “Hello? Thank goodness, a voice! Is he there? You mean he left hours ago? Where? I’ll give it a try!”

“Is that you? I’ve been so worried! What is happening?! Why haven’t you come home?! You thought I would be sleeping?! Who can sleep waiting and wondering?! At least you are safe! Thank God for that!”

Finally, blessed slumber claimed my fatigue. My soul was satisfied that I would see him once again in this life! The darkness of the night gradually faded away, replaced by the light of dawn.

How many times have we prayed for the safety and health of friends and loved ones? If you are like me, it is too many to count. The nights spent pacing the floor wondering, hoping, and praying that they would return again to our arms. We go through the stages of grief as we think of all the things that could happen.

Finally, as we enter the realm of acceptance that this might be the end, the door opens, and we embrace them with all the fervor of a long lost soul. What changed? Only moments earlier, we were angry that they were so insensitive and uncaring as to not call and let us know what was happening! We were ready to dole out punishment that would last a lifetime.

The magic of gratitude changes our hearts the instant we grab hold of the realization that there is good in the situation. They are alive! They have returned to us in the moment that we thought was forever lost. Gratitude allows the daylight to penetrate even the darkest nights of our lives.

©2014 by Denise W. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Fear is the Foundation of Faith

Hospital waiting rooms are sacred places. Life hovers there between this world and the next, and we gather with our loved ones, waiting, hoping, and praying, that we will be spared heartache and sorrow, at least for a brief moment of time.

We examine our lives in an effort to find some morsel of goodness that we can use to bargain with God. We tell Him that we are willing and able to be a better spouse, parent, and friend, knowing deep in our hearts that no matter what we do, His will trumps ours.

We humble ourselves before the Almighty, realizing that we are less than the dust of the earth, that He knows all, sees all, and has all power to bring miracles to pass. We have seen them in the lives of others, and hope beyond all earthly reasoning, that we might experience one for ourselves.

The minutes turn into hours, and the hours into eternities as we wait for some good word from the operating physician that our loved one is all right, that we can have hope of a full recovery. Only then, do we relax our vigil of fear and ceaseless petitioning in their behalf.

It is in our most difficult moments, when we are brought to our knees, that we realize there must be a power beyond our own that is able to save us from the unfortunate circumstances in which we find ourselves. Even the most devout atheist, when faced with his or her own death or that of a close loved one, is brought to admit that there must be something beyond this life.

Fear makes us question our mortality, our limitations, and our simple human ability. We realize that there must be a power beyond our own. If there is, what is it? Is it a nebulous “force” with no human attributes or compassion? We have to find out. We humble ourselves to the dust, admitting that we are powerless, and plead that we might know for ourselves.

The answer comes. We see things we did not see before. We feel things we did not feel before. We find within ourselves a spark of light that begins to grow and fill our souls. We find that we are loved in ways we have never known before. We feel concern for the welfare of others and realize that we were made for something more.

No matter what happens, fear has formed the foundation of a faith that lasts a lifetime. We know and understand who we are, why we are here, and where we go after we leave here. In our extremity, we turned to God, and realized that within ourselves, our fear has become acquainted with our faith!

©2014 by Denise W. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Seek Understanding

Life doesn't always make sense. Sometimes we just don’t know what to do. We are faced with difficulties that try our patience and everything we thought we knew about life. It is at times like these, that we simply have to admit that we don’t know everything.

Since we don’t know everything, we have to learn. Learning takes humility. It means admitting that we don’t know what to do. Pride says “I know it all” and humility says, “Teach me.” Since pride is the default mechanism protecting our ego, we are often compelled to be humble before we will learn.

It is no fun to be compelled to do anything, and we fight until we know we can’t win. Finally, on bended knee, we admit out weakness and realize that there is something more that we need to do. This is when we are ready to learn.

As children, we memorized to show what we learned, the math facts, letters of the alphabet, spelling of words, and formulas for scientific experiments. As adults, learning is different. Rather than rote memorization, we concentrate our efforts on seeking understanding.

The world is a complex place. It is impossible for us to know everything in the short amount of time that we are here. The presenting of problem situations channels our learning and gives purpose to our quest for knowledge. The popular adage “…with all thy getting, get understanding” found in Proverbs 4:7 of the Old Testament tells us that understanding is key to any success we experience in life.

We have to understand ourselves first, our strengths and weaknesses, the things we desire, and the things we despise. As we grow in our understanding of ourselves, we are more kind to others when they require understanding.

Next, we seek to understand our loved ones, those with whom we spend the first and last moments of the day. As we grow in our understanding of them, we share the unconditional love that we are in need of to fill our own cups. We also prepare ourselves to understand those who are less important in our lives.

Understanding those with whom we work is a monumental task; however, it is facilitated as we grow in our understanding of people in general. People are like gardens. There are weeds, and there are flowers. Our actions plant seeds of harmony or discord, depending upon what we do and say. The harvest comes in the treatment we receive in return.

We also grow in understanding when we realize that not all of our positive action is met with positive in return. There will be storms and whirlwinds no matter who we are and what we have done. These are vital for our growth and development. Choosing to learn enables us to find peace and happiness, no matter what happens in life.

©2014 by Denise W. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Developing Endurance

“I don’t think I am going to make it.”

“I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.”

When we hear these words, we try to give encouragement to the person saying them. We want them to hold on as long as possible, to keep going until the very end, not giving up or giving in. We want them to develop the endurance needed to stick it out.

What is endurance? How do we develop it? Why is it so important?

We often associate endurance with the athlete that runs long distances. It requires muscle strength, lung capacity, high quality running shoes, and a great deal of determination. Distance runners know that there is a cycle they go through and they pace themselves to save their final burst of energy for the last seconds of the race.

Outside of the athletic world, we speak of endurance when we speak of loved ones who are getting close to the end of their lives. We want them to live as long as possible, and we encourage them to “hang on” until they have accomplished their life’s work and are called home.

Endurance is not just for runners and the elderly. We all want and need this quality to help us in our lives. We need endurance when we are having a tough day, when the money runs out before the end of the month, and when we experience setbacks in our education, employment, and most importantly, in our families.

Family life can be fraught with difficulty. We frequently must set aside our own agendas and work for the good of others that are depending on us for their sustenance. As we do so, we choose a higher purpose and develop our endurance. We exercise patience, determination, and dedication as we work together.

Choosing to endure to the end is choosing to make the most of our lives, no matter how long it may appear that we have left to live. It is staying with our loved ones even when they may not be making the choices that bring us peace and happiness. It is keeping the lights on when the night is at its darkest.

Endurance is the ability to keep on doing what we know is right, even when it appears that we are not receiving any benefits from doing so. It is giving our best effort in the face of opposition, and keeping a positive attitude when others are looking for reasons to complain.

Endurance is realizing that the race does not necessarily go to the swift and the strong, but to the person who keeps on going until the final whistle blows. It is the ability to keep on going, no matter what happens. Enduring is choosing the good over and over again, until the good chooses us!

©2014 by Denise W. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Bright Light of Hope

Hope sounds a lot like home. Perhaps that is because when we think of hope, we think of peace and safety, and these are the attributes that make a house a home. We think of our loved ones, how much they mean to us, and how we enjoy being with them.

Hope has a similar connotation. It is the essence of looking forward with anticipation to a better world. We often use the word when we want something better to happen in our current circumstance. We feel that we are exerting our faith in a higher power by expressing our desire that things will get better.

Setting aside religion, what role does hope play in our emotional health? Hope is the ability to look above and beyond our current circumstance, realizing that it is only temporary. Things change. They always do. No matter where we find ourselves at the current moment, whether in happiness or misery, that state is not permanent. It will change. The only constant in this world is change.

Once we realize that life changes regularly, we give ourselves permission to see past what is happening in the moment. This flexibility gives our emotions a chance to evolve with the change around us. If we adopt a rigid viewpoint, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, heartache, and even despair.

Despair is the opposite of hope. It sees only the pain and frustration of the moment, and leads to discouragement, disillusionment, and depression. These “d” words leave us feeling at the mercy of the dragons of the deep, deprived of peace and happiness. Hope is the ability to look up, to find something positive in the situation, and to focus on that small morsel of goodness long enough that a better future opens to our point of view.

Whether we are dealing with long-term illness, the pain of separation from our loved ones, or difficulty in our employment, hope gives us the opportunity to set these things aside momentarily, just long enough to taste what it feels like to be home, surrounded by our family and friends, feeling the arms of love embrace us.

Hope, then, is the ability to see a light at the end of the tunnel, to grasp the path that leads to that light, and then, to bask in its warmth once we arrive there. Indeed, hope is the flame that lights our way back home!

©2014 by Denise W. Anderson, all right reserved.

The Power of Listening

We often think of listening as a passive activity. We tell our children, “I’m listening,” just to get them off our backs, when in reality; we continue doing other things while they talk. We don’t really hear what they are saying; we are just trying to get something done, while giving them what we think that they want and need.

Children quickly learn that if they want our undivided attention, they have to do something more than talking to get it, and that usually means misbehavior!  When we truly listen, we don’t just hear words, we feel what the other person is feeling. Listening requires focused effort on the face of the other person, their, lips, eyes, and mouth. It requires seeing things from their point of view and understanding what is happening in their life. When we do so, we understand on a deeper level, and communicate soul to soul.

There are a number of things that get in the way of listening. Sometimes, we are so preoccupied with our lives, that when someone speaks to us, we do not hear what they are actually saying. Our hearing mechanisms are not tuned into their wavelength, and we may nod or smile, but not really hear.

Perhaps we devalue the person that is speaking, thinking that they are really not worth our time, or they don’t have anything important to say. When this happens, we say something that is demeaning or damaging to the relationship. Unfortunately, they may see us as uncaring, conceited, or even cruel.

Sometimes, we think ahead in the conversation, and rather than listening to what is being said, we think of what we are going to say when the other person stops speaking. This “one up” mentality only serves to make the other person feel insignificant, even put down.

Distraction is another issue when listening. We allow things that are going on around us to take our mind off of the person standing in front of us. We glance at the clock, look at our computer screen, or notice a bird flying around outside the window. We may even allow thoughts of what we are doing later in the day to creep in and take over our level of consciousness.

A lack of interest in the subject matter being discussed can also be a hindrance in our ability to listen. If we don’t think that what is being said is true, or has meaning and purpose, we may discount it. As we do so, we are telling the other person that they are really not important to us.

The power of listening comes in our ability to set aside our own agenda, the distractions and preoccupations of the moment, and really focus on the other person. As we do so, we are sending the message that the person is worthwhile, and what they have to say is important. Our eye contact gives them unconditional love. Each word we say validates their feelings. Our re-phrasing of what is happening lets them know that they have been understood.

Indeed, the power of listening is the ability to uplift another’s soul. When we do so, we lift up our own.

©2014, Denise W. Anderson, all rights reserved.