Finding a balance between work and family is a
challenge, no matter what our current marital status. Whether a two-income
household, a traditional family with only one paycheck, or a single parent,
struggling to make ends meet, there are times when we have to make some
difficult choices. How do we go about it in such a way that we don't sacrifice
the wrong thing? Is it possible to be and do everything when it comes to work
and family? How do we resolve the conflict we feel over this issue?
We work long hours on the job and then turn
around and work long hours at home. In our state of exhaustion and stress, our
emotional health ends up in the basement. We get overwhelmed, criticize
ourselves for our weaknesses and imperfections, and before we know it, the
conflict between us and other family members escalates.
Being a parent and working full time is like
have two full time jobs, but we can't just stop going to work and spend all our
time taking care of our family! We need an income to provide for their needs.
Yet, it seems that the demands of running a household are never ending!
Just like the dirty laundry that accumulates,
the stress of running a family can be overwhelming. The harder we work, the
more exhausted we get. There is so much that needs to be done, and there just
don't seem to be enough hours in the day.
If we stop and think about it, any business
requires a system to run smoothly. Our homes are no different. Without a
management system, we are living from crisis to crisis. The longer we wait, the
worse it gets. Now is the time to take action. We can get a handle on it when
we use the following steps:
1) Pile - Categorize,
Sort
Laundry and dishes multiply if we don't deal
with them on a daily basis. Stress is no different. Before we can put a batch
of clothes in the washer, we divide them by color and weight. Putting our red
sweatshirt in with the white underclothes has dire results!
Getting a handle on our stress starts by making a list of all our roles and responsibilities. What is it that we are doing? When does it happen? Where does it happen? Why are we doing it? As we make a list, we grow in our understanding of how things have gotten out of hand. We are able to pinpoint problem areas where conflict is occurring.
Allowing the issues of one role in our lives to spill over into others wreaks havoc with family life. Yes, there will be crisis situations where this happens in spite of our best efforts, but these are the exception rather than the rule.
2) Prioritize - Determine what is most important
Looking at our various roles and
responsibilities in black and white helps us to see what we need to accomplish
ourselves, and what we can delegate to others. Many times, we see ourselves as
a one man or one woman show when it comes to our family responsibilities,
thinking that is the way it is "supposed" to be.
Unfortunately, we don't often discuss these
expectations with our spouse. We simply plow forward thinking that we know what
has to be done. Then when conflict arises and we get over stressed, we make
assumptions and blame others that things are not going well.
Stopping regularly to take inventory gives us
a chance to determine what is most important, set our priorities, discuss
things we can do differently, and make minor course corrections before major
catastrophes require them.
Just like sorting through the laundry gives us
a chance to spot check the clothes for stains, take things out of the pockets,
and put like colors or weights together, sorting through the roles we play and the
responsibilities associated with them gives us a chance to combine, cull out
the unnecessary, and adjust our daily actions to better fit our priorities.
3) Prepare - Put
routines and schedules into place
There are certain things that happen in the
family on a regular basis. Like clock-work, they come and go daily. We eat, we
sleep, we bathe, we get dressed, and we go to our various places. The routines
and schedules we put into place are the means by which daily activities happen
and our family's needs are met.
When there is no food on the table and people
are hungry, they get impatient and frustrated. Conflict increases, feelings are
hurt, and the delicate balance of trust within the family is damaged. The time
we take to communicate with one another about who will do what and when is less
time we spend later getting upset with one another.
Teaching children to do basic household tasks
allows us to instill vital life skills in their portfolio of development, as
well as freeing our time for other things. It is much to our advantage when
children are young to have them helping at home rather than spending our time
taking them to lessons and activities outside the home and then expecting to
do all of the work ourselves.
4) Prevent - Keep
unwanted influences at a minimum
While we teach our children household
responsibilities, we also teach the values of love, respect, honesty, and
integrity. Children only learn what they experience when they are with us. The
time we spend together is less time that they are involved with outside
influences that take them away from values we hold dear.
As parents, we set boundaries on the
activities we and our family members are involved in, and the people with whom
we associate. Our influence is paramount in how our children end up as adults,
and we cannot be too careful in this endeavor. Children under the age of 18
thrive under positive parental involvement and the environment in which they
reside has a direct bearing on what they become.
Allowing children to do as they please,
without thought of the consequences, is a sure ticket to open rebellion,
involvement with less than desirable characters, and the use of alcohol,
tobacco, and drugs. Active parental involvement and instruction is the only
available deterrent to these social ills.
5) Protect - Build a house
of trust
Having a system for the solving of problems
within the family provides protection. We build a house of trust around family
members, letting them know that we will always be there and they can turn to us
for help.
It takes a great deal of commitment and
courage to keep the family together through all of the bumps and bruises that
come with life. Spending time in spiritual development, the teaching of life
skills, and the sharing of love and unity help the family to feel a sense of
belonging and protection within the home.
Conflict resolution does not happen overnight,
in our marriages or with our children. It is something we work at continually.
Couples enter a marriage from different backgrounds blending cultural,
religious, educational, economic, and social practices. Conflict will happen.
How we deal with it determines the quality of our home life and the trust our
family members have in us.
On the surface, we think that it is our work
schedules that encroach upon our family life, and we wish we could find a
balance between the two, but in reality, no matter our situation, conflict will
be present.
There will be times when we have to sacrifice
our personal wants and desires for the good of our families. The system we put
into place within our family to resolve conflict allows us the opportunity to
look at our long range goal of raising children who become contributing members
of society.
The time we spend teaching and involving them
in household responsibilities pays great dividends in preparation for their
future. It will not be long before children are grown and gone, and the time
with them at home will be only a distant memory.
When that time comes, they will look back at
us and say, "Thank you, Mom," or "Thank you, Dad, for giving me
the foundation I needed while I was in your care. Then, we will know that it
has been worth it. Take the time with your family today, for your
emotional health!
